Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
From my Mom
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Matt Goss