Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’