I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.