[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks