5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?