Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”