DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.