At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven鈥檛 changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn鈥檛 a compliment, Diane
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. 鈥淚t hurts where? Yeah, that鈥檚 your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I鈥檒l bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don鈥檛 spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If I didn鈥檛 have kids, I鈥檇 be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy馃憞
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I鈥檓 too upset to be impressed.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t潭r潭u潭s潭t潭 潭i潭s潭s潭u潭e潭s潭 salmonella
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma鈥檃m this is a lineup
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?