accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen