Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
the noise i just made
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.