Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Hit me in the face with a bird
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]