Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.