[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.