Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You Might Also Like
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake