me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Not helping
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.