Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Received some very disappointing news today
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions