*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies