Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that