My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice