[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
We need more people like this.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Phonetics
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.