me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
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ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?