Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Woke up against my better judgement again
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming