Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.