The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s