#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.