What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
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“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.