I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer