Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Finally, a door that understands me
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
How dramatic are you?