Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“you changed” bro i was 15
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.