I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The asteroid..
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching