[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I feel seen
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊