if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.