A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.