All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.