Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
You Might Also Like
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer