[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
A Short Story.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.