3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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be the person your targeted ads think you should be
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
can’t bark with your mouth full
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.