I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
All is fair in drunk and war.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Not all heroes wear capes…
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”