But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Pizza is an emotion right?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”