Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
o shit
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.