me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.