Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
You Might Also Like
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.