Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness