cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.