*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
You Might Also Like
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.