Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*swipes right on my hand mirror
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?