You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
want me to check your oil?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure