My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
2 years later
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I am also baked goods
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
The Joker was right
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.