I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
All set.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
We need to put an American base on the sun
That eye roll….
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”