I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Natural selection at its finest
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.